Cry It Out

Today I cried.  I didn't want to cry but I did.  I came home, with my left foot hurting and a head full of sad thoughts, to hungry cats and dirty dishes in the sink.  My brain doesn't like crying.  It makes me feel weak and whiny.  My heart feels differently.  It doesn't care about being weak or whiny.  It just wants a way to vent the pent up hurt, frustration and anger its been experiencing for the past two weeks.

September 17, would have been my father's birthday.  He died November 24, 2006, the day after Thanksgiving.  We weren't always close.  When I hit puberty we both suffered some major growing pains. However, when I left for college the distance helped us to heal.  We'd done too much damage to each other to be best buds but we were closer than we'd been in years.  There are moments he's missed out on that I wish he'd been around for.  He loved to travel, something I inherited, and he would have liked to hear about my trips to France, Germany, Switzerland, and Spain.  He only managed to get a High school diploma and although he was able to brag about me getting a Bachelor's, he would have enjoyed bragging about how I'd not only gotten a B.A but as an M.A. and one day I'd get a PhD.  

I think about my Latino side and how much my dad wanted me to embrace it.  I didn't look as dark as the kids in school and they picked on me relentlessly.  They spoke in Spanish about me to each other and laughed when I didn't understand what insults they were flinging at me.  I didn't want to be Mexican American. I pushed that side of me away, hating the music, the food, the language, and the customs.  And now that I'm older and wiser I realize how stupid I was being and how much I hurt myself trying to hurt someone I loved.  

I spent so much time denying one side of me that now, as I attempt to reunite my halves, I feel at times as if I'm not enough.  I'm not Latina enough, I'm only half.  I'm not white enough, I'm only half.  I have no authority to speak on Latino matters or to guide other Latinos.  It makes me feel like an impostor and I hate myself.  

I hate my white skin, light hair, and fat body.  I hate that I seemed to have dropped a clothing size but the scale says I've gained ten fucking pounds.  And I know that it's probably muscle from working out the past two months but the number on the scale has me freaking out.  And I hate that people keep trying to tell me that it's muscle weight but if I want to keep losing weight I should try this, this, and that.  When really I don't want to lose weight I just want to be healthier and believe that the NUMBER DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER!!!!  I want to believe that my body is beautiful even if it's rounder, larger, and shorter than what's on TV and in movies and magazines.  

Yesterday, I saw this video and for a few moments, I felt better.  

  

But today, standing at the sink my hands in the warm soapy water, my foot and heart aching I burst into tears and cried.  

Some will say that writing this blog is my way of trying to get sympathy and maybe that's true.  But, really I want you to know that you're not alone.  I know how you feel because I have these moments, too.  And even though we might not like it, even though we might feel weak and  whiny sometimes it's good to cry it out.  

Fake Geek Girls

I've heard a lot lately about the persecution of Geek Girls by Geek guys (not all Geek guys but there is definitely a good number out there).  I can only make guesses as to why Geek guys would attempt to push us out of the geek culture.  Is it that they think we aren't real?  It feel like it.  It's like they're so afraid that that we're a mirage that they do and say anything to prove that we are fake even to not only their detriment but ours.  Perhaps, it's that reality isn't perfect.  They've spent so much time mulling over, daydreaming, and fantasizing over perfect fictional female character that real females just can't live up to fictitious perfection.  What ever the reason it seems to me that if you're a heterosexual geek guy you'd be jumping for joy that there is finally a heterosexual geek girl who not only understands but shares and encourages your geeky interest. 

Geek girls should be treated like the fucking holy grail but we're not.  Instead, we're accused of being fakes, wanting attention, and quizzed, as severely as those suffering the Spanish Inquisition once, about our knowledge of the thing we love.  We are told we're band-wagoners who only got on board when a movie came out or a show was rebooted.  Even if we've answered 100 questions correctly, the moment we either answer question 101 wrong or admit we don't know the answer we are labeled Fake Geek Girl.

The treatment of Geek girls has scared me away from going to a couple of conventions, most recently a convention centered around Sci-Fi, which is what I focus my geek love on.

I am a Trekkie which means I possess a shit-ton amount of knowledge of the television shows and movies.  However, I don't know everything.  I don't know seasons or episode numbers/titles.  I'm also not well versed in Deep Space Nine, I didn't like Voyager, and I never seen an episode of Enterprise.  I've read several memoirs and the books by Shatner.  However, I've never read any of the books based on the series written by other authors.  I also like the reboot movies despite other Trekkies disliking of them.  My focus is on the original Star Trek and the Next Generation and specifically on the character development.  Even more specifically on Mr. Spock and his particular story arch.  All that being said, I'm still hesitant to go to a convention because I don't want to be quizzed, accused, or labelled.  It makes me sad because in the "real world"--for lack of a better term-- I don't have anyone to really discuss Trek with on a deeper level.  And if I start talking to someone about it they get a glazed look on their face or shake their head and good naturally tease me, "you're so weird."

I found this video online and I only wish I'd seen it before the convention I missed rather than after.  However, I've seen it and my point is, I am a Geek girl.  I might not be an all knowing Geek girl--and why would I want to be-- but I am one and no one has the right to quiz me, accusing me of otherwise, or make me fear conventions.